A honest blog about relationships and mental health at any age.

 So...I usually shy away from really transparent blogs on the internet at the risk of exposing who I really am but I'm taking that chance today because it may help someone else. 

I was in the mood for light-hearted entertainment today so I clicked  on a musical called, "Dear Evan Hansen". It was a musical. But, it was not light-hearted. It offered a musical look at mental health, relationships and other issues. I was hooked at the beginning because the main character sang about being on the outside looking into the window at everyone else and, to be honest, I've felt like that most of my life. Even with my family, I've always felt like i was just outside the inner-circle.

I have felt invisible at work, at home, with friends and, shockingly, at church. I had a pastor once email me that it was my own fault because I built up a wall that other people can't penetrate. He said a bunch of other mean things but I'll save those for another time.  He actually was probably right in a sense -  I have built up a wall of sorts because I come from the "burn me once, shame on you; burn me twice, shame on me" camp.

When I was younger, I thought that if I let my guard down and exposed myself to others, they would think I was weak. Or...they would think my faith wasn't strong enough. Now, at 65, i realize that it's not weak to feel invisible or vulnerable. Feeling on the outskirts all these years has made me more apt to see when other people are hurting. I'm able to put myself in their shoes because, most likely, I've been there. It's a blessing to be able to reach out to help someone else.  

The movie today reminded me that lots of people are wounded by life. We all have to take care of each other and ourselves.

I think it's important to remind yourself of who you are. Everyone has so many facets to their personalty and lives that are so important. When I honestly assess myelf, I see myself as an adventurer, a dreamer, brutally critical and honest, a little messy, a lot creative, a bit stanoffish, a little heavier than I should be and a flawed child of God. And all of that is ok. At my age now, I'm looking for self validation more than anything else because, after all these years, I like myself, really like myself. Flaws and all. 

I hope you like who are too.

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